I haven’t written much, I have mostly been posting to my Facebook Page, “Running Curves” at the moment. I haven’t felt I had anything interesting to write about, but I should keep journaling my progress as I know I will appreciate it later. I have to say this has been the hardest goal I have ever set for myself. Some days I can run 4-5 miles and its great and I feel awesome afterwards. Other times I run 2.5 miles and I feel like its the hardest thing ever.
The other day after running a little over 3.5 miles my nose was running, my lungs were coughing, and I thought, “Oh my god, here I go.. I am going to start spitting like all those stories I hear from runners”. Afterwards, it just felt like the hardest run ever. I sat down on the curb and just cried. I cried, because I thought.. what if I can’t do this? What if I set my goal too high? I am really scared. I tried to get it all out before I went home. My husband is a man, and no offense, but a lot of men just don’t have the same sensitivity chip. Although, I appreciate any man who does.. it sure makes it easier for your partner. My husband is very black and white. He says, “You know what you have to do, so do it.” Which is, in all honesty, true. I can’t fault him for telling the truth. He is just direct about it. I don’t know if that is a cultural thing..
I then thought a little more about it, and told him the reason I cried about it for a for a few minutes is out of fear. IF I didn’t care so much about succeeding and NOT failing I wouldn’t have so much fear. It is good that I care so much. It means the goal is important to me. If I didn’t care I would realize I can walk at any time during the half. What is the worst that can happen? I would be asked to move to the side. I am not going to be arrested for fuck’s sake. It seems I am overreacting to him and maybe to others, but its very personal to me. I don’t want to fail. And I was weak for a few minutes, big deal. I am human. So, yesterday my husband went for my hard run with me. We ran 4.5 miles of which most were hills at some degree… some were very steep and I had to power walk them, other stretches were inclined enough I ran, but could feel it the entire time. He was awesome. He played soccer his entire youth, and his legs are like tree trunks still.. solid. But, even at the end he was tired. He high fived me and said , “Good Job”. He knew it was hard work and I kept up. My heart rate stayed reasonable the entire time- which shows my fitness level is increasing from the inside tremendously. That is so awesome!! I am very proud of myself.
I am now working on increasing my time out there running.. I need to condition my heart and body to run for 3 hours without my heart rate getting too high. Its working. I am no longer crashing out for naps afterwards. Progress kicks ass! It’s such hard work, but its so rewarding. Results show when the work is put in. I am dedicated to making this happen. Harder goals just make the reward even better…