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I can’t sleep.

I have a million things going through my head, and I came up with something.  I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or I have genuinely had another epiphany-  Probably both.  I wonder if there are really any coincidences?  I have known from the beginning that running has been so much more to me than just an exercise.  I say that in every blog, because it’s really been that powerful for me.  It must resonate with a lot of people this way or why would, “Running is cheaper than therapy” be such a popular slogan.  Why do so many people feel compelled to blog about it?  Or resist the urge to high five a complete stranger who is running the opposite direction…Right?  It’s powerful!  As I lay here tonight tossing and turning I began thinking of different things, and why things happen when they do, and how it usually coincides with something else, for example with my running.  I am changing, and in a big way.  I am recognizing that more and more.

In my past there have been a few defining moments that I can usually link to an extremely powerful relationship.  I was very close with my father growing up.  I won’t go into all the dynamics that plague father and daughter relationships, but my father was super charismatic, funny, everyone loved him and you wanted to be loved by him.  Did I mention everyone loved my father?  He was someone that drew people to him and I was his favorite.  But, he never told me that.  He never would tell me he loved me.  I just knew he did. Everyone knew I was the apple of his eye growing up. It caused a strained relationship with my mother and sister my whole life.  But, when he remarried I lost him, and we didn’t have that bond anymore. But, I was still crazy about him.  I always tried to be perfect and that overlapped into my adulthood when it came to my relationships with two key men in my life.  

I always thought about what would happen if I lost my father?  What if he died, how would I cope?  I didn’t know if I could, because I loved him so much and how could I ever prepare for that.  Some might know what that feeling feels like.  Over the years I tried so hard to be above average so he would be proud.  But, it always seemed to be juuuusssst out of reach.  I would always seem to fall short of getting that affirmation from him.  Until lately.  This is where I began drawing a connection.  In two of my relationships I felt the exact same way.  They both made me feel like I was so lucky to picked by them.  I felt like I was somehow so special, and I wanted nothing more than to be just perfect for them.  But, I never could just quite reach that total acceptance.  In both of those relationships I remember specifically the point where I wondered what am I going to if it comes to an end?  I felt that connected emotionally to them.  In a way I didn’t feel for most people.  These people had the special qualities that not every person had.  After all they were the extra special qualities only my father possessed too.  It was a hard combination to find, so when I did find them- I knew that dance.

In all of those relationships, including my father I thought if I was the perfect woman they would “pick” me forever.  But, now I realize it isn’t if I was good enough for them.  I am.  I am so much better and far more amazing than ANY of them even deserved.  When I think of my father now, I don’t give him the admiration I once did.  He lost my respect .  They all did.  I was giving them all far more credit than they deserved.  When I realized my worth and I don’t need any of them to validate me.  Actually, if my father validated me now I would wonder what I am doing wrong.  It’s sad to say, but if I lost him now I could live with it.  I did everything I could on my end to be a good daughter and he just isn’t capable of unconditional love.  That was my pattern.  I set myself up for disappointment time and time again with the same scenarios.  They will always end the same, until I change myself.  When I demand to be treated differently and expect it.  I can’t dwell on it anymore. 

Now, I am realizing there is a connection-through running I am investing in myself.  I am feeling so good that I am taking care of myself that I no longer need my worth to stem from some male relationship that I thought was so extraordinary that it defied logic.  With both those relationships I see in hindsight I am worthy of so much more than either of them could possibly give.  To be honest, with one of them I thank my lucky stars it never worked out.  I would have been miserable.  I have grown leaps and bounds and outgrew him ages ago.  I feel sorry for him when I see what happened to him.  What a difference time makes!  It’s funny, because in the past I would have given my soul, shit, I practically did, for him to want me.  Now, I am so glad it never worked out.  Amazing how self esteem works!

As I started running, it stirred a lot of emotions up in me.  It’s probably why some people like to run without music.  It gives them the time and quiet to be alone with themselves, to meditate.  Running actually solves a lot of issues!  Which is another reason I believe running is more mental than physical.

I am learning to detach myself.  I don’t need to be attached to someone emotionally.  If someone doesn’t value me who am I to try and convince them they should?  That is ridiculous!  Fuck them.  That is their problem.  And, it is THEIR problem, not mine.  I need to move one.  Let it go.  And instead of focusing on trying to be accepted by them, I am focusing on accepting myself. I realize my husband accepts me just the way I am.  I don’t have to be perfect.  I am so much stronger mentally than I was a year ago!  I am putting the same fierce commitment and loyalty into myself.  It takes a lot of time and commitment for me to run. 

So, in thinking about ALL that tonight , I realized I need a bigger goal.  No, not world peace.  I need something to really focus on and achieve for myself.  I am committing myself to a half marathon.  I am going to train for it, and complete it, and even though 98% of it is all for me, there is that other little 2% of doing it to say, “Fuck you, I was already good enough.”